5 MORE Games Whose Existence Scares Me

Gaming is a constantly growing industry, and as such every small, untalented company out there is desperate for a slice of the pie.

This, however, tends to result in horrid abominations that one doesn’t even need to play to be terrified of.

Sure it might be funnier if I actually played these horrible games and made fun of them then but shut up, I ain’t got that kind of time/mental stability. And I know I already brought you 5, but, here’s 5 more!

#1. Any Game About Makeup

It may seem like I’m cheating with this one, but I’m not, I assure you these are likely in essence all the same goddamn game. You may remember from my “Girls and Games” post that as a female gamer this sort of thing just chafes my ass.

Of course girls don’t want to go on high flying adventures with plots and characters that don’t insult their intelligence when they play video games, they want to learn how to look like a painted French whore!

Now granted I’m not anti-makeup, I wear makeup, but these sorts of games are both attempting to be “trendy” and cartoony at the same time and can only end up creating droves of little girls that look like Divine. Besides, one should play video games to experience things one can’t do in real life, these girls should just be raiding mommy’s makeup drawer and won’t have to pay 30 bucks for the pleasure.

Also there’s another make up etc. game called “Girl Time”, the cover just bothers me:

Something about what looks like Kotex flowers adrift in a reddish river,
the fact that it’s, you know, called “Girl Time”.  …Moving on.

#2 Skate City Heroes

Okay maybe it’s just the cover of this game that scares me, but what the shit is this? Is this like some failed American remake of Jet Set Radio? It’s trying so hard to be Japanese but has that tell-tale “everyone must be scowling GRR” American design mentality. It’s the same phenomenon that leads to even lovable pink puffball Kirby having angry eyebrows drawn on him for US releases.

Do you know when you can just look at a game’s cover and simply sense that it controls like ass? I think this game is a prime example. This game was so shitty no industry professionals even bothered to review it.

#3 Family Party

It may seem like I’m picking on the Wii, but damn it’s got more shovelware than PS2. Well okay, maybe not, but close! Family Party! Over 30 great games! Such as log sawing. Log rolling. And archery while wearing frilly pink aprons. 30 games is more than 1, so isn’t this more fun that that Spaceman Marios Galaxmacy you wanted, kids?

And you’ve got to love the sickeningly stereotypical 1950’s nuclear family they’ve painted here. White, middle class, heterosexual family unit with 2.5 kids, little Billy’s the star, Dad always wears a tie, little Suzie is perfectly lady-like because she never wears pants, and Mom always wears a frilly apron even in those rare moments she leaves the kitchen to snipe the neighborhood hoodlums on her lawn with her goddamn bow and arrow.

A closer inspection of the cover reveals they even get poor old Grandma into the action, forcing her geriatric ass to climb ropes. What kind of sick family is this?

#4 Super Army War

I don’t know what this game is. I’ve never played it. I’ve never seen it played. All I know is the first time I saw the words “Super Army War” on a tired old Game Boy Advance cartridge I was flabbergasted. Go ahead. Just try and say the title out loud and see if you don’t laugh.

I mean “Super Army War?” What does that even mean? Surely armies are something inherent to war, isn’t that just redundant? And super? What’s super about it? Are these mutated super armies? Fighting a war of some kind? Are they Nazi supermen? Someone tell me what the hell is going on here!

Super Army War… I mean just … Super Army War.

#5 Wordmaster

Well! …That’s certainly racist.

For some reason shovelware crafters extraordinaire, ZOO Games (who also made Skate City Heroes up there, surprise surprise), decided  that the perfect mascot for their English word matching game was a rotund ethnic stereotype. Named Sum Ting Wong. Dear god. I mean the faux Asian theme has absolutely nothing to do with the gameplay, that’s far out of one’s way to go just to insult every Chinese person who ever lived.

You know what this reminds me of? An ad from the early 60’s about how “Poor Chinese baby can’t eat Jello with chopsticks!”:

                                                     

Oh how far we’ve come, isn’t it nice to know such ignorant media doesn’t exist anymore!

Hahaha….Fuck you ZOO.

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1. 5 Games Whose Very Existence Scares Me
2. Girls and Games
3. Video Games and Kids
4. Super Paper Mario
5. My 5 Top Year-End Games (With Bonus Rant)