5 Games Whose Very Existence Scares Me

As any clever person may be able to surmise with a cursory glance of my site, I’m pretty nutty about video games. Since I’ve been playing them consistently since the age of seven I guess you could call me a gamer (but not a Gurl Gamer or I’ll be forced to hurt you.)

The games industry has always attracted companies out to make a quick buck, and this leads to some horrifyingly ill-conceived games that are only ever purchased by idiots and well-meaning grandparents who inadvertently ruin a child’s birthday. Without further adieu here’s 5 in particular (in no particular order) that have haunted the dark recesses of my mind ever since I had the misfortune of coming across them:

The Crazy Frog Game

If you used to watch television and live an insomniatic lifestyle like me you may remember these surreal commercials that came on at 3:00 am for some ringtone company with this horrible, bad CG, purple mascot thing masquerading as a “crazy frog” whose sole purpose for existing seemed to be to insure you would never sleep again. Basically this clever company had stolen a sound clip from the internet (it was funny at the time) and turned it into a ringtone no one would ever want to use or pay for.

Because said company obviously had such a fail-proof business plan they then decided the best way to turn a profit was to have their hideous creation star in a terrible video game. My first thought upon pulling this game down from a shelf was to question why it needed to be.

Frogger: The Great Quest

Speaking of crazy frogs, Konami, what abomination have you wrought? Even those too young to remember the Atari or those mythical places adults called arcades know that Frogger was just a simple game about a frog trying to cross a busy street without being flattened.

Well apparently Konami decided to reboot the franchise in a more complicated time and decided the best way to do so would be to make him run upright in khaki shorts surrounded by fairies and robots to save a bubble-headed princess. It’s like they tried to recreate an old property while cramming Crash Bandicoot, Sonic and Mario together and it just predictably ended in massive failure.

Redneck Jamboree

Well boy howdy, Cletus! Time t’get that thar pig on the barbie and break out the sweet teah! YEEHAW! Being a scarf-wearing, wine-tasting (not really), pinko commie elitist from the Northeast I commonly stereotype people from the South and yet even I’m offended by this game. And it’s a very recent game to boot. And it’s mini games. On the Wii. Of course. SIGH.

I’m not really sure which demographic this game is trying to appeal to, those who make fun of rednecks or rednecks themselves. If it’s the latter it must be part of the South’s nefarious invasion of the North as of late. Damnit, no one cares about Nascar up here, stop trying to convince us it’s popular!

The Guy Game

Yup because if one demographic is grossly overlooked by game developers its guys! Video games are hardly ever aimed at guys! We better make one, guys!

From what I’ve heard the game basically plays like a Girls Gone Wild commercial, only with lower resolution. The cover is textbook when it comes to advertising to highly suggestible men: you got a goofy looking, ugly Jim Breuer wannabe surrounded by models who would never give him the time of day in reality. Incidentally the only person who made any money from The Guy Game was an under-aged girl who sued after willingly letting the development team film and display her bare jubblies. Hear that? Playing The Guy Game officially makes you a pedophile.

Heaven: The Game

I heard about this one through Kotaku and its existence still perplexes me. The company making the game gives precious little info, even after two unskippable flash intros and a blaring chorus, but their own website claims their mission is to make games to “stimulate Christian spiritual growth”. Mmm.

By the looks of things our hero is a blue-eyed, blond-haired, Aryan beauty with pouty glossed lips and an ample heaving bosom who looks more like a Valkyrie come down from the glorious halls of Valhalla to gather the souls of brave warriors for Odin than an angel or a church choir girl or whatever she’s supposed to be. With the help of white Jesus and presumably white God and equally superior Aryan angels she’ll teach the lost lambs on some random spaceship whatfor. Seriously just go look at the trailer and comic book, I’m not even making this up.

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